And To All A Good Night...

Merry Christmas Everyone! (I hope none of you find this well-meaning blessing offensive)

Today, I am off to spend the Holiday with TC and his large family. I expect it to be crowded, loud, joyous and am really looking forward to it. Just like the ones I used to spend with my own family. I haven't been home for Christmas in years, it's just too damn cold in Illinois this time of year for a visit.

Upon returning tomorrow, I am immediately heading to Ida and Joe's. Then I hope to find R and F to get drunk with, if they're not already trashed! If so, it can wait until Monday.

I've said it many times before, I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Does Anybody Know The Zip Code At The North Pole?

Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at R's Office party. It was B who spiked the punch with too much Vodka. I can't help it if I drank 69 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like piss.
I thought it was funny when I put J's jockstrap on my head and danced the The Chicken Dance on the Sling while singing `Wildthing'. I didn't mean to break R's Tense Unit and don't know why R would accuse me of Burglary.
I don't remember calling H's wife a sweet pig---even though she looked like one with red eye shadow and yellow lipstick!
And when I threw up on J's husband's dick, it was only because I ate too much of that whipped cream.
After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my Ford truck through my neighbor's bedroom. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a nasty pig and have me arrested for murder!
So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all pretty and shiny. And I'm really not to blame for any of this soft stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and swiftly yours,J (Really a nice boy!)

P.S. It's only 13 bucks!


You can write your own at:
Dear Santa,

What Does Your Fridge Look Like?

It Will Be A White Christmas

As you can see from my last post, I wasn't in the best space.

Woe is me 0 Life Is Good 4

Today, I was fortunate to see four different friends. One (R) is such a good friend, he hung out at the car dealership for a few hours with me. Another, (Ida) got me to relax afterwards. Two more (TC & H) invited me over for some dinner and camaraderie.

In the middle of all that, the Batphone rang.

After the storm, there is always a new day.

Thanks Guys!

Will It Be A White or A Blue Christmas?

I don't know what has came over me lately. I have been experiencing "moments" about twice a day for over a week now. Sometimes when I get home from work and Crooner is no longer there, that will trigger one.

At other times, I realize that I am really wanting someone to share my life with. Up until recently, I have been very happy being alone. It isn't like I haven't had the opportunity to begin new relationships this last year. I think I have done the right thing and not allowed that after the last relationship. Is it the season that is upon us now that is triggering this? Or is it the unfortunate events I have experienced lately just overwhelming me?

Waking up day after day alone, with no one next to me to greet the day with seems to bother me more on the weekends. During the week I am too busy in the morning. But when I get home and the kitty isn't there, it seems to touch something deep inside me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not running around with a box of tissues under my arm. I realize that there is a great deal of happiness in my life. My friends are a great source for that. I see joy everywhere.

Just yesterday, after experiencing my biggest "moment" so far, I was driving to pick up Ida. On the way, I noticed this woman walking her dog. She was fairly non-descript walking quite matter-of-factly. The dog was rather large and I was not sure what breed he was. But the two of them together, walking in unison towards the park, just brought a smile to my face.

Today I have so much to get accomplished there isn't any room for melancholy. Between grocery shopping, wrestling with car salesmen, and wrapping presents there will be no time for tears.

I think I will begin this hectic day with a workout and a run. The endorphins will prop up my droopy chin. Who knows, maybe the Batphone will ring!

My Gayest Christmas Decoration

Michael had asked what the gayest Christmas ornament we had displayed. So far, this is the gayest one in my house.

The Grinch Threw A Christmas Party

Last night was my employers Christmas party. It has been a tough year for those of us who have stuck it out. There have been a few employees leave for various reasons. Some of those reasons include: inadequate health insurance, no dental or vision plans, ever increasing work loads, self-admitted unattainable goals for the quarterly bonus program... When additional help has been hired, they have no experience and are clueless interacting with humans. You get what you paid for...
Two years ago, at my first Christmas party with this employer, I received $200 in cash. I had only been there for eight weeks and I was pretty happy. Last year, the bonus was $500 minus the taxes. Again, I was pleased. This year, instead of handing out envelopes and roasting each employee, as was the tradition, there was a white elephant gift exchange - gifts provided. I ended up with a new day planner plus $150 in cash. Great, now I will think of the cheap bastard every day of the year.
Some of you may think that I am ungrateful. Believe me, I am not. I have worked my ass off for this company and so have others.
I told myself two months ago that if the bonus at the end of the year sucked, it would be time to move on. This morning, my ears are ringing from the "beep, beep, beep" of the moving truck backing up.
At the end of January I have a week of vacation scheduled. There is no way I am going to jeopardize that. I suppose it would be best to get the latest edition of my resume out to the world during the first week of the month.
What are the chances that the Grinch's heart will grow three sizes? Slim to none! I think it will be best to check out of Who-ville.

I Am Navin R. Johnson

I went to see "Annie" yesterday at the auto graveyard. It was difficult seeing her in such a state. She had been stripped, violated and abandoned. I know, it sounds like just another Friday night in my life.

They didn't even have her propped up on blocks for my viewing. No wheels, bumpers, sunroof, stereo, the list goes on. She was just resting there on the cold asphalt.

First I opened her hatchback. No, the sling wasn't in there. Damn, damn, damn! But they did leave the temporary spare. THANKS! Next I walked over to her drivers side door and gently opened it. The poor thing, there were work papers and catalogs strewn all about. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't keep her up to many people's standards, but she was really quite a mess.

I began to look for ANYTHING that might be saved. Unfortunately, all that was salvageable was the car adapter for my work cell phone.

As tears welled up in my eyes, I turned away from her while clutching the adapter and said, "This is all I need..."

Somebody Pimped My Ride

Yesterday morning I dragged my slow moving ass to the grocery store to get some desperately needed staples. I was inside the store for twenty-five minutes max. When I got about thirty feet from where I had parked my car, I realized "Annie" was not there. After stopping momentarily, I kept my eyes glued to the empty parking space and still went right to it until I was standing where my car had been. Yes, I was very tired, but I knew exactly where I had left my car.

While I was standing there in a state of shock, my phone rang. Could this be Xzibit calling to let me know my car would be returned in a few days with a brand new makeover? Unfortunately not. It was my good friend TC calling to see what I was up to. "I am standing here realizing that my car was just stolen" I said. There I was, four bags of groceries and a twelve pack of beer with nothing to load them into.

Six hours later I received a call from a neighboring county sheriff's Department. Annie had been found. It wasn't good news. She had been stripped of her wheels, front and back bumpers, under-carriage, stereo system... I told them I had heard enough. I would let the insurance agency deal with the details.

This is hardly what I needed to experience at this point in my life. What really pissed me off, was that my sling was in the back of the car. Damn, why was I so lazy to not bring it in Saturday evening? Shit! I wonder if the little dismantlers even knew what it was? Did they leave it? I wont know until later today or maybe tomorrow.

December is starting so well. First the kitty died, now the car has been destroyed. To make matters worse, yesterday I put on my "dancing jeans" and they were unusually tight! Argh! Hopefully, the remainder of the month will bring happiness, cheer, and the loss of five pounds!

Move Over Paula Abdul

Last night I was fortunate enough to go to an NBA game. Not just go, I had a seat in the fifth row. Before I knew it, something came over me.

Fuck! Who knew that by grabbing some bimbo cheerleader's little outfit, jumping into it and running out onto the court with the rest of the little bitches you could get in so much trouble?

Once "My" number was over, I was ushered off the floor. Immediately, I knew I was in trouble. The pushing, the shoving, the unspeakable names they were calling me. Suddenly I realized it wasn't Security that had grabbed me. No, it was much worse. I was surrounded by the remaining Royal Court Dancers.

You would've thought I had yelled "Bomb!" in a TSA line.

It's not like I didn't have the dance routine down. Hell, I practiced for weeks.

Were they demanding that I tell them what I did with Tiffany? Nope, not at all. All they wanted to know was, who did my makeup and how did I perfect the moves they had been working on for months!

After fruitless hours of interrogation, they weakened from their own mal-nourishment. One by one, they fell into a heap of sequence and tassels. It wasn't pretty.

I got out of there with just a few scratches, but for a moment I couldn't help but think of Tiffany. Would anybody find her? Would anybody care? Would the duct tape leave a rash?

Fuck Tiffany, for a moment, I was a STAR!

Drop Dead Gorgeous

I fell asleep last night watching the movie listed above. As is often the case, I didn't wake up for several hours. When I did, I went to the bathroom to piss and remove my contacts. There on the floor was Crooner, my "time-share" kitty, dead.

Crooner had showed up at my door about six weeks ago. I was inside my apartment and heard him. He was sitting at my doorway meowing away. A big beautiful all black cat with big yellow eyes. I stepped outside to see him and he was immediately rubbing up against my legs.

For several days he would show up and just sing his little song outside my door. Eventually, I began to feed him a little bit here and there. He was so friendly and well behaved I was sure that he belonged to someone else in the neighborhood. But then I realized he was living behind my building in a little gangway overrun with weeds.

I eventually began to let him in when I fed him - BIG MISTAKE. He learned my schedule. I would pull up after being at work and he would either be sitting at my doorstep or out near the parking lot waiting for me to pull up.

After letting him in for food and allowing him some time inside, I would always escort him out the door. "Hell, he's not my cat" I demanded. He was very well behaved and affectionate. Just the other night I fell asleep with him in the house. I woke up and there he was laying next to me, extremely content. The plant hadn't been eaten, there were no tears in any of the furniture. I was relieved.

Just yesterday, I had spoken with a friend about finding him a home. He was too good of a kitty to have to spend a wet Northern California winter outside. Unfortunately that won't be needed...

So what the fuck happened? There is nothing in the apartment that he could've gotten into that killed him. Was he poisoned? I just recently began running my furnace. I haven't felt well since then. Susan thought I should get a carbon monoxide detector. I joked that the kitty would fall before me. She suggested a parakeet. Is that what happened? I have turned the furnace off. I will go to Homo Depot and get a detector later this morning.

Good-bye my little friend.

More Withdrawls!

TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER

I'D FLUFF UP YOUR PILLOW,
STRAIGHTEN YOUR SHEETS
BRING YOU SOME SOUP,
OR BAKE YA SOME TREATS

I'D GIVE YOU A BACKRUB (YEP YEP)
AND TUCK YOU IN SNUG
BUT, TILL I SEE YOU AGAIN....
YOU WILL HAVE TO IMAGINE A HUG
BATMAN

Super Hero Withdrawals

I miss Batman! There, I said it.

This morning as I was driving on the freeway to work, I felt nauseous. By the time I arrived at work I had already decided that I wasn't staying. I was home soon thereafter changing into my batman pajama pants and my "I'm a Teen Wonder" tee (both gifts from Batman) for comfort. Next, I gathered up my "timeshare" kitty and settled into the couch. Damn, something must be going on because I slept almost non-stop for five and a half hours!

When I woke, I spoke with Batman and as usual he had me laughing. If only he didn't live so far away.

I may not be seeing him again until the end of January. FUCK! Yes, the sex has been great every time. But it isn't all about that. Hell, I can and have gotten sex elsewhere. What I miss is his smile, silly laugh, his light almost reserved touches, the looks he gives me when I've either said something funny or something completely out of line which he hasn't quite digested. Even more, the look he gives me when he's teasing me. I miss our comfortable silences. Especially when we are about to fall asleep next to each other. I love laying behind him with my arm wrapped over his side. Waking next to him has been great too, even with the snoring.

I often think about the next time I see him.

Are there people longing to be with Superman, Aquaman or Wonder Woman? Is there a support group for those of us having long distance relationships with Super Heroes? I am afraid probably not. I will just have to learn to deal with this on my own. Unfortunately, the longer it goes on, the more I think about him.

Thank you

To all who either said a prayer or sent positive energy to my friend Susan yesterday. I spoke with her this morning and she is fine.

She is truly a special person who I am blessed to have in my life.

My Dear Friend Susan

She is the sweetest, most gentle soul I have ever met. Countless times I have referred to her as my "Surrogate Sister" here in California (she is convinced that we have spent more than a few lives together).

Today she is undergoing surgery for a torn retina. This came about rather unexpectedly. It is very serious.

Many years ago, Susan began to go blind. She was able to receive cornea transplants in both of her eyes. Her vision was restored and she was able to continue her painting (she is a wonderful artist), see her children grow up and witness the births of her grandchildren.

Her surgery is scheduled for 3:00 PM PST. PLEASE, take a moment out of your afternoon and send her a prayer or positive thought.